|
13 June 2007, 00:26
"If you put a chain around the neck of a slave, the other end fastens itself around your own."--Ralph Waldo Emerson
There is a short chain on Master's bed. One end is padlocked (Masterlock, of course) to the iron bars of the headboard. The other end is padlocked to a standard dog choker collar. At night, I am locked into the choker collar.
When it's all stretched out on the bed, the collar empty and open, I get a mixture of feelings when I look at it. I didn't use to, but that's begun to change.
For a long time, the chain and collar was hit and miss. I didn't wear it if He wasn't home (which was more often than not) and when He was home, the use of it depended entirely upon His mood. And generally, He didn't want to "mess with it". In fact, for a long time the chain wasn't even on the bed.
On the occasion that it was used, it was a nuisance. It bothered me while I slept (or tried to). The chain was cold, the collar tangled in my bell necklace. I tossed and turned which kept Master awake. It was just a mess, more trouble than it was worth. The only feeling I got when I looked at it was a big fat Ugh!
AND... a longing. I wanted to be locked in. Secure. Permanent. It didn't matter that I wouldn't leave His bed without permission anyway. It didn't matter that the mental bondage was firmly in place already. I wanted to feel that cold, hard steel locking around my neck.
I'm happy to report I've been given that. There hasn't been a night since Master's been home that I haven't been chained and locked in. Now when I look at it all spread out across the bed, open and waiting for my neck, though there is still some amount of "ugh", as it hasn't ceased being uncomfortable, it's overshadowed by contentment. I look at it and I think yes. that's for me. this feels right.
I love the ritual of having to ask for it every night, to beg and say please, to hold it out in both hands, open and ready. Bowing my head and presenting the back of my neck feels so vulnerable, yet reinforces my trust in Him. And we all know how it feels to hear the click of the lock, don't we? How loud it seems, so very close to our ears, and how it seems to echo in our head.
The effect it's had on me this last month has been profound. It's such a simple thing (but then doesn't it always seem that way? The things we stumble over are small, and the things that affect us deeply are so simple.) It's not as if it's changed my routine any. I wasn't up wondering the house all night before. And it's not the first time I've been chained either.
The consistency of it though? That's heavy. I wake up often through the night because of the chain. It's short. I couldn't guess the length without measuring. All I know is it is exactly the right length for me to slide myself down between Master's legs and wrap my mouth around His cock, provided that He scoots up a bit, and provided that I don't mind a little "chain burn" around my neck. And I don't mind that at all.
But it is short, and each roll that I make at night requires situating the chain on the correct side of me. It still tangles in the necklace and occasionally I wake up with a hard, uncomfortable bundle of chain links balled up into my shoulder or my skull. There have been times, in tired exasperation, that I've yanked the chain hard, growled, and tried to toss the extra length off the bed. There have been times I've lain awake, staring at the ceiling, unable to *get* comfortable with the constant, choking sensation of steel circling my neck, the collar seeming to pull and twist and pinch.
I used to not be able to stand the feeling of anything tight around my neck. Turtle necks were "choking". And though this collar is far from tight, sometimes it *feels* tight. Too tight. Choking tight.
If I had to guess I would say that on an average night, I wake up 15 times. Sometimes for just a few seconds, long enough to pull a chain link straight, sometimes for a few minutes. But at least 15 times a night, I'm awake, touching and moving that chain, and realizing, remembering, that it's locked. And it will be locked again tonight. And the next night.
I don't think I can explain how it's changed me. Or how it is that that all-night constant reminder shapes my day. Just.. profound.
And you know what else? That cold, cold chain? Is warm. It sucks up my body heat, sucks up His body heat, and it becomes a long, skinny heater. I wrap my hands around it, lay it across my chest, and marvel at the warmth. I don't know why that fascinates me so, but it does.
I would never have gotten out of bed before without asking first, but this makes me getting out of bed more of a production. Master has to wake up (if He's asleep), He has to find the key on His nightstand which involves rolling over (and you know how that can be when you're all snug and snoozing right?) The light has to be turned on so He can *see* to unlock me (and you know how that is when you're eyes are used to the dark), and then, He has to stay awake until I come back from doing whatever so He can lock me back in.
It's a process that's much more involved than me just asking if I can run up to the potty or go get a drink, or *whatever*, and then running back. I try to take into consideration the work that I'm making for HIM, the responsibility that He has to assume by locking that chain on me is huge. I do try and make sure I've been to the bathroom, He has His water (I haven't forgotten that in ages. *beams*), that I've done His feet and shut the lights off, and all the other things before I present the chain and collar and He locks me in.
Master is a light sleeper so it's not hard at all for me to wake Him up. And He doesn't usually make me feel bad for it either. I think that's important, that He accepts that He's taken on this responsibility, He's become a 'slave' to the process of chaining and holding the key, and He doesn't make me afraid, or worried, about asking to be unlocked for any reason. I may not be granted permission, but it's okay to ask.
What brought that particular point up in my mind was not so many nights ago when I *did* wake Him up several times in a row. 4 times I think, and the reasons escape me now, but I probably could have done better. I am not laying the blame on Him at all, but He did become irritated with me (and the chain and key process), and I did think "if You don't want this responsibility, don't lock me in!"
The following night, when it came time to ask to be chained in, I resisted having to ask. I was afraid to be locked in. I knew I was going to be, regardless of wanting it or not, but it was angsty and I was anxious for a good part of the night. I don't like feeling like I'm a burden. An albatross.
I mentioned it a few times over the few days following that night. And honestly, Master doesn't even remember telling me that I was irritating Him. He wasn't awake enough to remember saying anything.
I also don't expect that He should be perfect, or that He's not allowed to love what He does to me and still find it a chore, or find it, me, "irritating" sometimes. Lord knows I find Him irritating sometimes! And I show it. I sigh and roll my eyes. Stomp my feet. Be sarcastic with my "yes Sir" and my "You're NOT welcome!" The difference, I think, for me is that part of the hardship of submission is not wanting to do it, and doing it anyway. Master seems to not care if my approach is always pure or graceful, but more that I do it, regardless of my feelings. And in fact, the more I don't want to do it and show that I don't want to do it, and *still* do it, the more pleased He is. That's a victory in His eyes.
Whereas for Him, if He shows reluctance or irritation with "having to deal with me", then I'm only filled with guilt for being troublesome, or for needing His time when He clearly doesn't want to give it. It sends a different message even though the actions might be the same.
I know that seems like a double standard, or an unfair burden on the part of the One In Charge, but I think we submissive-types have our own heavy share of unfairs and double standards. ;)
And this is where, I think, the quote at the top comes in. There is huge responsibility when you take on another human as your property. So much so, that the owner can become the slave to the responsibilities.
It's a delicate balance, perhaps. What I have to do is watch that I don't, by virtue of needing so much care, become *more* work than is beneficial to Him. Needing to be unlocked 4 times in one night is ridiculous (without extenuating circumstances). I'd forced Him into becoming the slave to the process.
I'm grateful that He does only show that irritation when it's clear that I've stepped over the line. When I've become the burden. It hits me deep in my gut with all the force of a Muhammad Ali punch, just one sentence, one look.
I know that I *am* a burden, no matter how good I am or how well I serve Him. As long as He owns me, He's burdened with my care.
For as long as He keeps the key on His nightstand and as long as I find that strange comfort in the hard chains at night, He's on the other end.
~cunt
(ps. I know several people have asked about the UTI and I'm sorry I hadn't answered. Turns out that by the time I got to the doc, I didn't have a UTI. I either never had one, and it was just an irritation like I suspected or I flushed it out myself with the self-treatment. So yay! Go me!)
Ralph was a smart man.
|
|
Fresh Pussy!! Get it while it's hot! And Megan's pussy is as hot as it gets. Tight, wet, and super pink is what were talkin' bout'! So, watch Megan put her soft lips on 2 foot-longs. Then watch her double fist more cock, and finish off with a big glup of milky cum! |
|
|
